


Blind Idiots

by heeroluva



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Child Abuse, Community: happy_trekmas, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-19
Updated: 2011-05-19
Packaged: 2017-10-19 14:06:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/201694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heeroluva/pseuds/heeroluva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A failure to communicate on both Jim and Bone’s parts turns into a misunderstanding that could destroy them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blind Idiots

**Author's Note:**

  * For [florahart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/florahart/gifts).



> Banner by [](http://megan-moonlight.livejournal.com/profile)[**megan_moonlight**](http://megan-moonlight.livejournal.com/).

Jim didn’t know what kind of games Bones was playing at, but he didn’t like it one bit. Those eyes followed his every move, making him feel like some kind of bug under a microscope to be studied, some sort of puzzle to pull apart and dissected to try and find out what made him tick. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. He’d become so paranoid that he swore he even felt that heavy stare when he knew he was alone. He cursed himself an idiot every time he couldn’t stop himself from looking over his shoulder and checking just to make sure.

If he’d known that the results of his actions would be this heartache and endless torture, he would have given it a second thought before he’d taken that final step that had changed everything between them. But then again he had never been the type of person to look before he leapt and adding a large portion of previously unsampled alien liquor to the mix hadn’t helped.

Kirk had actually expected it to happen much sooner than it had, but he didn’t expect the consequences, the awkwardness that it would bring. He’d figured that it would come as easily as everything else between then had. And he was right. It had come easily and naturally. He’d even go so far as to admit the cliché and say that it had been perfect, the best sex that he’d ever had (though he wasn’t likely to admit that aloud).

That night that seemed like an eternity ago, their chess game had long since been abandoned and they’d lost their uniform shirts at some point as they sprawled across the lounge. One moment they were laughing hysterically at all the crazy, improbable situations that Kirk always seemed to find himself in, while the next Kurt was sobbing his heart out as he stuttered out an answer to Bones’ question about what had so screwed him up. He clung to Bones like a lifeline as the raging sea of his emotions and memories tried to pull him under and devour him. He wasn’t sure who initiated it, but somehow they ended up desperately pulling and tugging at clothes until they gave and seams tore, not wanting to separate as lips and tongues and teeth fought for dominance.

Jim really couldn’t remember much of the details after that other than the mind-blowing pleasure that had overtaken him. Hell the only reason he’d known he’d actually had sex – and that it wasn’t just a really amazing dream that he had to find a way to turn into reality – was because of the pain in his ass and the multitude of bruises and scratches that littered his form. When he woke the next morning, he’d rolled over expecting to see McCoy lying there but was greeted by a long cooled, empty bed. The hypo lying in the spot was a relief as his hangover made itself known at his sudden movement.

But that was the least of his worries as a tightness formed in his chest at the lack of Bones being there to greet him. But he’d pushed those feeling down, convincing himself that McCoy would talk to him about it later, that he’d just needed to be at work early and hadn’t wanted to wake him. He’d left the hypo after all, so it must have meant something Jim told himself.

But it had soon become apparent that Bones was avoiding him. It wasn’t that he wasn’t around because he obviously had to be to stare at him all the time. But whenever Jim tried to corner him alone, McCoy would conveniently have to be somewhere else or magically disappear. In the mess hall, Bone no longer saved him a seat and always made sure to sit in the middle of a group so there was no way that Kirk could get him alone to talk. The first day the crew had seemed shocked and in the days following they still gave him odd looks as though condemning him, thinking that he’d done something to the doctor and that he needed to apologize and make it right. If only they really knew.

Bones had even gone so far as to cancel their evening chats and chess games, claiming that he was too busy with the latest data from the last planet they’d visited, even though that had been more than a month ago and during the first two weeks of that time he’d had plenty of time to still visit Jim. Kirk tried to convince himself that something major had really been found and that apparently the data had truly increased by an exponential amount, but he knew if that was really true that Spock would have heard about it and sent him a report by now. To know it was really just an excuse and not even a plausible one to escape his presence hurt.

Jim had always been the fuck ‘em and leave ‘em type of guy, always willing for a quick shag as long as there were no ties to hold him down. He’d never wanted them, never needed them, having seen all the trouble that they were from watching his mother and seeing how her neediness destroyed her, while he was the one dragged around and left to try and pick up the pieces when there was really no place for him in her heart. He was just a painful reminder of what she’d had and lost and would never find again because what she was looking for was well beyond her reach.

But he’d thought that things would be different with Bones, that it was just the next logical step in their relationship, but when that didn’t seem to be true he pulled himself apart with what ifs. He’d never actually seen Bones go after another guy. Hell the man had been married to a woman in the past. So what if he just wasn’t into men? What if he was just caught up in the moment? What if he was just humoring him? What if come morning Bones had really been disgusted by what they’d done and couldn’t even stand to associate with him anymore?

He wasn’t used to feeling such crazy self-doubt, wasn’t used to feeling anything like this for another person, because of another person, and he felt a brief sense of guilt as he wondered how many people he’d caused to feel such things with his usual callous disregard for their feelings when they’d tried for something more.

When his worries started affecting his sleep and thus his ability to act as captain and manage the crew as he found when they had to actually touch him to get his attention because apparently calling his name wasn’t enough, he knew it was beyond time to confront Bones be it for better or worse. He just wanted to know why. If it wasn’t something that they could fix or move beyond he thought he might have to request a transfer for the doctor because he couldn’t imagine having his once best friend so close and yet so painfully inaccessible and distant.

So that’s what led to Kirk’s current position, standing outside of the sickbay, wanting desperately to go inside and talk to the man knowing that Bones couldn’t escape, but at the same time unable to because he was scared shitless that what Bones said would destroy him, and he would lose the best thing that had ever happened to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When McCoy rounded the corner the last thing he’d expected was to see Jim standing outside of his infirmary looking every bit like the lost little kid sent to the principal’s office for some unknown slight.

He momentarily thought about turning around, pretending that he hadn’t seen him, but he couldn’t do that, not after having seen how worn down the man had become. As a doctor it shouldn’t have shocked him how thin and pale Jim had become, but as a friend it was beyond painful to see Jim in such a state knowing that it was his own fault.

That night had started the same as any other and even the presence of alcohol wasn’t a strange occurrence. No, he’d deviated from the norm when he’d finally given voice to the question that had plagued him for years. “What screwed you up so bad, kid?” He hadn’t expected the tears or the tumble of words that had poured out of Jim’s mouth. He hadn’t been able to make sense of much of it at the time, but later after he’d woken up with a naked Kirk in his arms the words returned to him, somehow crystal clear.

Talk of an endless string of boyfriends until his mother had finally met and married Frank, a fat, violent drunk that didn’t care about anything but the large paycheck that he got from Jim’s mother to keep him knee deep in booze. Once she was married she turned tail and escaped into space leaving him and his older brother with the man who took so much pleasure in their pain. Reading between the lines, Bones thought there was something more to it than that, even while he hoped he was wrong. When Kirk was nine, his brother finally had enough and ran away, leaving Jim alone to face the full force of his step-father’s attentions.

At ten Jim drove his father’s car off a cliff, having found out that Frank didn’t feel like he was getting enough money from his mother and was going to sell it. Jim hadn’t been about to let that monster profit from the last piece of his father that he had, his mom having made sure to preserve it for some unknown reason, so he drove it off the cliff. For one crazy instant he’d thought about going over with it, but at the last second he chickened out.

After that is just got worse. He stopped caring about anything, picked fights and got in trouble just because he could, started to sleep with people because he could. He didn’t care about them and figured that he deserved to take some sort of pleasure out of life. It wasn’t like they ever complained either. If anything they wanted more, but that wasn’t his style. Sure he had a few regular fuck buddies, but he spaced them out, made sure it wasn’t the same person too often and dropped them if they asked for more. No complications and no strings attached was his policy.

Jim admitted that he hadn’t really believed that he would make it through the academy that it was just another thing he’d screw up and fail at. But then he’d met Bones and everything changed. For some inexplicable reason he cared about the other man’s opinion of him and didn’t want to fail. Sure Jim still got in huge trouble with his Kobayoshi Maru stunt, but in the end it had been worth it, even with the disapproval that Bones had given him.

After that the talking stopped and somehow led to some of the most mind-blowing sex he’d ever had. He still remembered the details vividly and they’d haunted both his sleep and waking hours the past two weeks. But Jim’s words haunted him even more and were ultimately what made him escape the morning after and caused his odd behavior these past couple weeks. McCoy didn’t think the other man knew, but Jim’s words were as close to an admission of love as he thought the other man was capable of. He didn’t think that Jim even recognized what love was.

Throughout their years at the academy, he’d seen the string of castoffs the man left behind him and the trail of broken hearts that resulted without the man ever blinking an eye or even recognizing what he was doing. It just all seemed like a big game to him. While it was true that Jim had dramatically reduced such activities since he’d become captain of the Enterprise, he knew that it was inevitable that it still continued. Bones feared that he would be the next in that long line of broken hearts if he was to get too seriously involved with Jim.

But seeing Jim now standing dejectedly outside his infirmary, unable to force himself to go in, Bones wondered if maybe he’d gotten it wrong, wondered if maybe there was a chance for things to work out.

Steeling his nerves and pulling on his remaining courage he greeted the man. “Captain,” echoed loudly through the hallway.

Jim visibly jumped at the word but slowly turned around, looking every bit the kicked puppy, and McCoy mentally kicked himself for not just calling him by name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hearing Bones’ voice right behind him was the last thing he expected. Actually being addressed outside of work was equally shocking. But hearing the man address him so formally after so many weeks of silence was like a blow to the gut and left him reeling.

He slowly turned around and felt his heart sink at the serious expression that Bones wore. He hadn’t seen it many times, but it was something he’d come to fear and hate it because it usually meant a lecture and Bones’ disapproval. But he feared that this time it would be so much more than disapproval. He wished it was just disapproval but some part of his was screaming that he was about to be rejected and lose the best thing that had ever happened to him because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and his dick in his pants.

Sure that had led to countless problems in his past before, often in the form of a disgruntled if not a beyond pissed off boyfriend or girlfriend of the person he’d just fucked. But he’d never cared about any of them before. This was distinctly different and he felt completely out of his league. Then the words that he used to hear other joking refer to as “the end,” the worse thing someone you cared about could ever say because it never ended well, broke the silence.

So when Bones’ spoke with words that held some much finality, “We need to talk,” he knew it was over, and resigned himself to the inevitable. A knot formed in his throat and he had to look away as he felt tears gather in his eyes. Tears that he wouldn’t let fall because he hadn’t cried in years and he didn’t want to add to the humiliation that he was sure was to come. He made himself nod and managed not to choke as he forced out the words “Your office?” in a somewhat normal voice.

Bones just nodded in reply, careful not to touch Kirk has he walked around him to the door and opened it with a whoosh.

Kirk noticed the careful avoidance and he felt as though he was dying inside knowing that Bones couldn’t even stand to touch him now, but it just added to Jim knowing that rejection was imminent. He’d be surprised if Bones didn’t request for immediate transfer away from him.

He followed McCoy to his office and nearly laughed in self-disgust as Bones keyed in the door’s lock code one that even he as Captain didn’t have.

Bones sat at his desk and Jim just opted to lean against the wall not wanting to be any closer to him than needed when he was going to be verbally torn down and kicked out on his ass.

The first words that came from Bones’ mouth were a total shock. “Jim, I’m sorry.”

Jim couldn’t help but jerk his head up in surprise and meet those sorrowful green eyes and gasped out, “What?!”

McCoy sighed and ran his hand through his already disheveled hair (a habit Bones noted that had only started since he’d met the man standing in front of him), knowing this wasn’t going to be easy. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left that morning the way I did. I shouldn’t have avoided you these past weeks, but I was a coward.”

Kirk just gaped at him, clearly confused.

“I didn’t want to be just another notch in your headboard, Jim. And you never gave any inclination that you were attracted to me before that night. I didn’t know what to think. I needed some time to gather by thoughts.” Bones sighed again.

Jim was just pissed now and let the familiar feeling of anger wash over him, pushing away the uncomfortable feelings that had plagued him for weeks. “God Bones, is that really what you think of me? That I’d use my best friend for sex? That I’m that shallow? That I’m that pathetic that I can’t get sex if want it? That I’d have to settle for you? Whore myself out for you?” Jim regretted his last words as soon as he said them, but he couldn’t take them back, and he took some small glory in seeing some of the pain he’d felt these past weeks now reflected in Bones’ own eyes.

“That’s the problem though, isn’t it? That you have no shortage of supply when it comes to sex for you. You can have anyone you wanted as you’ve proven many times over the years. Why would you settle for a stodgy, old drunk like me?” A note of bitterness colored his words. “But not all of us are so lucky. I won’t settle for being convenient and accessible when you can’t satisfy your needs elsewhere. I did that with my ex-wife and it nearly ruined me. I won’t play second best again.”

Kirk had thought he couldn’t feel any more pain, but he figured if Bones had just cut out his heart and stepped on it, it would hurt less than this, knowing that Bones thought so lowly of him. “Well if that’s what you really think, I won’t keep you.” Proud of himself that his voice didn’t shake or quiver, he turned to make a quick exit, but cursed when he realized that the door was still locked and he didn’t have the override.

Bones’ voice was somewhat hollow as it reached his ears even, though the words were biting. “What no witty comment? No words in your defense?” Bones knew he was playing a dangerous game, one that they could both lose in, but he didn’t know any other way to get Jim to respond.

Jim refused to respond and rise to the bait, refused to turn around and face such condemnation when he just wanted to scream at him and deny his accusations. But he knew there was no use if that’s what Bones really felt like. All the words in the world wouldn’t convince him. And there was no way that he was going to admit that he hadn’t been with a handful of women since he took up the captaincy position, that all his dates had been complete and utter failures because he didn’t have any interest in them, and couldn’t even muster his usual charm that so easily gotten them into his bed in the past, how the entire time he was with them he was thinking of his best friend and they’d all known that his interest didn’t lie with them. A few were more than willing to humor him, but in the end he hadn’t felt satisfied and was left wanting for something unknown just outside his reach.

“No. Let me out.” Jim leaned his head against the locked door mentally willing it open, but it didn’t budge.

“So you’re going to be a coward, run away from this like you’ve run away from all your problems in life.” McCoy knew he was pushing it, but he had to get him to see.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll put in your transfer right away. You won’t have to see me again.”

He jumped not having heard the other man move as Bones grabbed his wrist and spun him around, slamming his back against the door and holding his wrists about his head. He locked eyes with McCoy’s smoldering green ones.

“No,” Bones all but growled. “No more running.”

Bones’ mouth crashed down over his, teeth tugging at his lips demanding entrance, dominating and claiming what was his. Jim knew his lips would be bruised and bloody tomorrow, but couldn’t bring himself to care about what the crew would think. And then he stopped thinking and just felt as Bones let go of his wrists and raised Jim’s legs up to wrap around his waist so he could grind their erections together.

Jim pulled back panting, the need to breath overwhelming his need to continue the connection of his lips. He managed to gasp out, “W-what?” not fully understanding how he’d ended up in this position after the conversation that had just taken place.

“You idiot.”

Kirk bristled at the insult, but it was ruined by the moan that was forced out of him and the arch of his back as he grabbed the man’s head and forced him closer, practically begging for closer contact as Bones nibbled on his neck and rocked their hips together.

McCoy pulled back and grinned down at the mark he left before reaching between them and undoing their pants, grinning lewdly as he noticed Jim’s lack of underwear and made a note to take advantage of that at a later date. “No more running.” He circled his hand over the heads of both their cocks lubricating it before loosely forming a loose fist around them both and began a slow pumping rhythm.

Kirk just threw his head back and moaned, tugging vainly at Bones’ clothes, wanting closer contact, wanting skin, but Bones’ refused to cooperate, pushing closer. Jim finally gave up and just held on pulling Bones impossibly nearer to him, leaning in for a kiss and demanding entrance of his own, but Bones again refused to oblige and instead rested this foreheads together.

“Just feel,” he ordered while tightening his grip on their leaking cocks and increasing the speed, making sure to swirl his thumbs over the heads on each up stroke, causing Kirk to moan every time and try and thrust forward even though he was firmly pinned in place.

He could feel that Jim was close, and plucked one of his tightened nipples through his shirt, delighting at the sounds that it wrenched from the man. “You’re mine. And I don’t share.”

Jim just whimpered at the words.

Leaning forward, he whispered in Jim’s ear, “I love you.”

With a cry Jim came, spurting between their bodies all over their shirts before dribbling down over Bones’ still pumping fist. Seconds later McCoy joined him, added to the mess. His legs went out from under him and he ended up with a lapful of panting Captain.

Long minutes later they were both sitting with their backs against the door leaning on each other. Kirk hesitantly asked, “Did you really mean it?”

Bones turned sparkling eyes to him and replied, “Yeah, kid. I meant it.”

Jim just grinned. “Okay.” Then laughing he added, “We’re both blind idiots.”

Bones couldn’t disagree with that. “That we are. Now let’s get cleaned up. Hopefully I have an extra shirt for you. It wouldn’t do it have the captain walking around shirtless or in covered in cum.”

“We can’t have that can we?” Kirk leaned forward for a kiss, but Bones pulled away, and Jim could help but feel pain.

Bones saw the look and ordered him, “Now none of that. You may be young, but I’m not. My old bones aren’t up to another round against the wall or on the floor. I’d much rather we used a nice soft bed.”

Grinning Jim scrabbled to his feet while Bones rummaged through his cabinets for some clothes for them to wear. Once they were decent they practically ran to Jim’s quarters, completely missing the grinning crew that they passed or the money that exchanged hands.


End file.
